Ok I’m ready to finish this off. Mostly because I’m really struggling lately, and it feels like I need to finish this off before discussing current struggles. Luckily, there’s not much more to it.
If you want to read the other parts, here are the links:
The severity of my eating disorder fluctuated throughout grad school and the year after. Sometimes I wouldn’t binge and purge for a week. Sometimes it was twice or three times a day. A lot of it depended on how much stress I was under at the time, and as we all know, graduate school is a hotbed of stress. My last year in school, my externship year, was especially difficult.
Every year that went by, I would think: next year, I’m not going to have this eating disorder. I’m going to be recovered.
But here’s the big secret.
You’re never really “recovered.”
You can be recovering. But once you have had an eating disorder, you have to be vigilant. Those urges are there. Almost four years later, they’re still there. I’ve had a good streak recently. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve given in to the urges.
But they’re stronger than EVER right now. I think there are a few reasons. One, I’ve gained about 30 pounds while trying to recover. Two, many of my clothes are not fitting because of the weight gain and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Three, my wedding is in less than a year and we all know the pressure women are under to look perfect on their wedding day.
Sometimes I feel like I’m losing it. I will be fine for about five minutes and the next thing I know, I’m breaking down and sobbing because I feel so fat. So ugly. So unlovable. Somewhere in me, I know it’s ridiculous. But I just can’t help it.
I’m going to be completely honest right now, I am actively trying to lose weight. Luckily I haven’t purged lately, but I am lowering my calories. My fiancé is not happy. But at this point, I feel like I can’t stand it. I can’t stand to be in this body the way it is for one more second. There are so many things that my ED tells me to hate about myself. The fact that I have a lower stomach area that pooches out. The fact that my thighs are stocky and rub together. The fact that I have cellulite on my legs. The fact that my hips are huge and uneven.
First world problems, I know.
Sorry that this post is such a downer. I just figured I would try to be real with you instead of acting like my life is all sunshine and rainbows. Don’t get me wrong, some of it is! And we will be back to that soon. I’m just having some difficulty right now, but hopefully it will pass. Until then, I will try to remember this: